Prelude

Oh, I have missed this. The freedom of writing my thoughts without worry. I feel liberated since deciding to create this blog. I am no longer “hiding,” well, because everyone who stumble upon this would be able to read my deepest, most intimate, and darkest thoughts ever to cross my mind. The days of private posts and limited things to say are over. This is my new beginning. A new beginning to try and help myself.

No, this is not self-help trying to give inspiration to others. This is just me, writing during my dark days, dark moments. This…is…my new diary… gone public.

???

It’s only been a couple of days, and yet, I’m already feeling ‘left out.’ *sigh…I’m, yet again, asking myself “WHY?” Why did I come back? Why did I come back to Canada?

There is no easy answer. 

*sigh…

Suicide

Just a few hours ago, I am thinking of suicide. It’s not the first time I’ve thought of it. I’ve thought of it countless times. No, I don’t want to kill myself. My thoughts of suicide always run along the lines of: I wish I’m dead; or how nice it would be to get run over; or why can’t I just not wake up tomorrow? That’s just about the extent of it. No thoughts of hurting myself. I’m always afraid of unnecessary pain, see.

I’d always feel so depressed that these thoughts go through my head. I’d cry and imagine living a completely different life. But I’d open my eyes and the sad reality of my life is still there. I would wish then that I’d have the courage to actually even think of killing myself let alone do it.